Empathy and reactions

“If we see a man in grief, we say, ‘It is all over with him’;
if we see a Consul, we say, ‘Happy man’;
if we see an exile, ‘Poor fellow’;
or a poverty-stricken person, ‘Wretched man, he has nothing with which to get a bite to eat.’
These, then, are the vicious judgements which we ought to eradicate; this is the subject upon which we ought to concentrate our efforts.

Why,
what is weeping and sighing?
A judgement.

What is misfortune?
A judgement.

What are strife, disagreement, fault-finding, accusing, impiety, foolishness?
They are all judgements, and that, too, judgements about things
that lie outside the province of moral purpose, assumed to be good or evil. Let a man but transfer his judgements to matters that lie within the province of the moral purpose, and I guarantee that he will be steadfast, whatever be the state of things about him.”

~

It’s easy to glance at someone’s situation and assign labels—“happy” for the Consul, “wretched” for the poverty-stricken. But what if we paused to consider that these judgments are not inherent truths but rather reflections of our own perspectives? 

When you see someone crying, it’s natural to think, “That poor guy.” This reaction stems from our innate sense of empathy, which is deeply embedded in our emotional response system. In fact, it's a positive sign that our first instinct is to feel compassion for those in grief; without this instinct, we would lose a vital aspect of our humanity.

But Epictetus tells us that our compassion, while valuable and necessary, must above all be guided by wisdom. 

What is this wisdom in such a situation? 

It consists of
      going beyond the first reaction, beyond the initial impulse that leads us to empathize. 

Our perception of the situation—seeing someone crying and immediately thinking, “That poor guy”—is an interpretation that we deliberately add to the observed reality. 

The exercise is to observe reality as it is, stripped of all judgment. Compassion is a fundamental trait of being human, but wisdom should encourage us to question the automatic judgments we make about situations. 

Why should we repress our primary emotions? 

Mainly because these judgments often lead us away from reality.

By moderating our immediate emotional reactions, we can achieve a clearer and more objective view of the situation, enabling us to respond in a more effective and constructive manner. This strategy promotes a deeper reflection on circumstances instead of simply reacting impulsively based on our feelings.

So when you see someone crying,
be by their side, listen to them, and offer your support. Stoic philosophy is profoundly outward-looking, challenging the stereotype of the insensitive and solitary sage often portrayed on social media. In reality, the wise person does not retreat to the mountains but resides in the heart of the city, as close to the people as possible.

So when you see someone crying,
also take a moment to reflect: Is he or she crying because they have truly suffered irreparable harm, or are you projecting your own interpretation of the situation? In such cases, it’s not about being cold or uncaring, but about reacting in a measured and helpful way, both for yourself and for others, with a deeper understanding of the situation. Examine your judgments; ask yourself, “What does this reveal about my perspective?” Challenge those automatic thoughts. By doing so, you not only liberate yourself from the bondage of false perceptions but also open up to a deeper connection with others. 

So we need
to control our reactions
so that our emotions don't override our ability to think clearly and act constructively. 

We need to recognize our emotions, but also maintain a certain rational distance that allows us to assess the situation objectively and make decisions that are truly worth making.

The next time you see someone crying, take a moment to pause and reflect. Remember, wisdom lies not in feeling but in understanding. Until next time, goodbye my friend.